So what is self-love?

It can be empowering to come up with your own definition of Self-love. It can mean anything you want it to mean. You define what love looks like. You define what it means to love yourself. Loving yourself can include the way you show love, compassion, and kindness not only to yourself but to others. Self-love can also mean you sharing love and kindness to the land, nature, or the universe. Self-love can be defined however you want it to mean, so don’t feel like it needs to be a certain way. Developing Self-love is really looking at your relationship with yourself in connection with all the things in your life and community and are especially important to you – so your definition is unique!

For many, self-love is the ability to fully see yourself as who you are and be accepting of yourself in that moment. Loving yourself requires you to share understanding and compassion to yourself for who you are. Self-love means having a high regard for your own well-being. Self-love is a state of appreciation for yourself that grows from actions that truly support our growth. Loving yourself is such a powerful thing we can do for ourselves, yet it’s something that many of us struggle with.

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What gets in the way of self-love?

Inner Critic

Our inner critic and negative self-talk patterns can get in the way from self-love. It can be difficult to break free from the negative self-talk and inner critic that often holds us back from feeling good about ourselves. It might be really hard on ourselves. For any mistake we make, our inner critic might immediately jump on the opportunity to be harsh.

It is important to know that it might be hard to love ourselves because the inner critic is actually thinking it has a job to do. Our inner critic sometimes thinks that by being hard on ourselves it is actually helping us. Through the practice of self-awareness and discovery, we can better understand what function your inner critic plays. For most of us, the inner critic is harsh on us because it thinks it is motivating you to be better. The inner critic also shows us a deeper belief we have about ourselves.

Core Self-Beliefs

Core beliefs that we have about ourselves also gets in the way from loving yourself. It might be hard to feel worthy of love. At times, feeling loved or having a sense of worthiness can be difficult because of experiences we have had in our live that has told us that we are not good enough. Have you ever had these thoughts? “I am not worthy of being loved.” “No one would like me if they truly knew the real me.” “I don’t want to say the wrong thing” Building awareness to how your past experiences have shaped these beliefs is a great thing to explore with a licensed therapist.

Systemic influences

It might be hard to love yourself because of systemic oppressions and external expectations. It is worth considering how cultural, familial, and societal messages play a part in being hard on ourselves. For example, being a first-generation and child of immigrants certainly played a part in the pressure I experienced to be the best I could be for my family given what they went through.

Take a look at the dominant narratives that circulate our society about each of our identities. You want to consider the ways you are hard on yourself and how it is a reflection of bigger social issues like racism, colorism, sexism, and size-ism. What we might beat ourselves up about might be linked to legacies of racism and colonialism. The legacy of colonialism certainly plays a part in the erasure of authentic living and being for many BIPOC folx. This manifests in society as pressure to fit in or an internalized and warped conception of fitting into “clean boxes” or labels.

Once you recognize this, it is possible to learn how to love ourselves and cultivate a sense of self-compassion. By practicing compassion, self-understanding, and stopping our inner critic, we can start to build supportive self-talk that is gentle and kind.

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How do I begin to love myself?

We can start small with simple daily practices. Here are some small steps you can take to start building a foundation of self-love. And remember, these are only ideas, ultimately you want to take a deeper look at what is the kind of relationship you want to develop for yourself?

1. You can start with journaling to build self-awareness and discover your inner-critic.
2. You shouldn’t do this on your own! Reach out to friends or loved ones or join a community to support you in this.
3. You can write a love letter dedicated to yourself and others who also might feel the way you do in this exact moment (write as if you are addressing yourself and others)
4. You can take steps towards doing things that truly bring joy
5. You can share love, gratitude, and compassion in your community by volunteering or simply sharing smiles and laughter with others.
6. Start by being gentle and kind to yourself with daily affirmations or positive mantras.
7. You can give yourself a break when you need it.
8. You can try a self-love meditation!
9. You can start listening to your body for what it needs.
10. You can care for yourself with nourishing foods that feel good for your body!
11. You can be honest with yourself.
12. You can forgive yourself for things that happened in the past. That was then, this is now.
13. You can make room for healthy habits.
14. You can nurture your dreams!
15. You can keep a gratitude journal.
16. You can celebrate all your wins (even ones you would consider to be small!)
17. You can spend time in nature and share gratitude for the land that provides and sustains life here on earth!
18. You can declutter your space or re-organize your space so that it sparks joy or relaxation
19. You can stop comparing yourself to others.
20. And most importantly, remember that loving yourself takes time and effort, but it is a beautiful gift to give to yourself!